The Budget of Paradox

Sophia: I thought of something tonight, and I should have told you this sooner.

I am very sorry that all you know, and all you remember, about your mother and father collectively is that they were always fighting. Believe it or not, there were happy times in my marriage. I can’t speak for your mother, but I know that I got married because I loved your mom, and I wanted to have children with her. We made a home; we made a family. I enjoyed being a Family Man. I enjoyed being a father and having all the privileges and responsibilities that come with fatherhood. There was a time that your mother and I worked together as a team to raise a family. I know that’s difficult for you to believe.

I know you were very young, but do you remember back in the spring of 2013, when I finally came back from Afghanistan for the last time? I would visit Lynchburg and we would all (you, your sister, your mother and me) go to Market on Main for breakfast. All of us, together, like a family. I enjoyed that. I miss that. You were little, but I am sure you liked it, too.

I’m sure you’re sick of me blaming the lawyers for everything. But before they got involved, I was doing just fine. I was a father, and I provided for my children. I knew what was best for them. I didn’t need guidance from anyone. What is equally frustrating and amusing is that the lawyers operate according to what they think is in the “best interests of the children”. Think about that: a bunch of retarded STRANGERS, hustling to make money, with the audacity to think they know better than me what’s best for my own children.

Believe me, there were happy times. You should have been a part of it. I’m sorry, kid. I really am. During the divorce, your mother used to say that my “mask was slipping”. I still have no idea what that means. I always wanted to be a Family Man. I still do, but that ship has sailed for me. It’s too late to start over. I always wanted to be your dad.

Happier times in Lynchburg; here you are having breakfast with your mom and dad and sister.

Happier times.

Your mom and dad after Morey was born.

Happier times in Hawaii. Here I am with your mom on the floor of my new house. I hadn't even yet bought furniture so we sat on the floor.

Happier times in Lynchburg in 2001.

Happier times in Hawaii, in Waikoloa on the Big Island.

Happier times in Lynchburg in 2001.