The Budget of Paradox

Sophia, here’s an oddball question. Do you know if you’ve gotten a vaccine called Gardasil? It’s meant for young girls. It was invented and approved in 2006, just a few years before Morey was eligible to have it. I wanted Morey to have it, but your mother refused. This was when I was working overseas, so it was impossible for me to enforce it, and I just dropped it after a while.

Your mother had a streak of anti-vaxxer in her that I always thought was strange. When Morey was very little and needed all the basic shots that kids need to attend school, your mom was very reluctant to allow it. Later, of course, she was certain that the shots cause autism. It’s a popular myth, but it’s been proven wrong over and over. But someone people will never listen.

Over the years, I’ve often worried that you and Morey are getting all the shots you need, like Gardasil. Of course, when COVID came along, wow, the anti-vaxx people went crazy.

Did you know that Virginia law allows me to see your medical records? Your school records, too. I tried to explain this to your mom once. The law is very clear, but she didn’t believe me. She even tried to get a lawyer to stop me from seeing Morey’s school records, but it didn’t work. I’ve seen your reports card from this year. I could pull your medical records, but I was hoping that you and I could just talk about it between us like two people. Believe it or not, I still care about your health and your welfare.

What puzzled me the most was your mom giving me the anti-vaxx talking points while smoking a cigarette. She tried hard to stop smoking when she was pregnant with you. But I know she sneaked-in a few puffs here and there. Cigarettes are fine but vaccines are harmful, I guess.

This is an unrelated tangent, but I hope you never smoke. It’s a disgusting habit. Everyone who smokes wishes they could quit, but none of them can. Don’t be an idiot who thinks, “I can quit anytime I want.” I can’t believe people are so stupid to think that.

Anyway, I was just wondering about your Gardasil vaccine. You should get it if you haven’t already. But why take medical advice from me? I’m just the guy who climbed Mount Kilimanjaro and easily passes Class One flight physicals every year. I’m not the cigarette-smoking alcoholic anti-vaxxer who treated her breast cancer with crystals and magnets and needs surgery to stay thin (YES this is all true; stories for another day).

Stay well, kid. Eat more green stuff. For six months in Iraq, my breakfast every day was a dark leafy green salad, raw veggies and a dressing made from fresh lemon juice, salt and pepper. I never felt better. I need to get back to that. Anyway…