The Budget of Paradox

To my oldest daughter,

Did you know that I used to Google your name to see if you were dead? It’s true. I am certain your mother would never tell me if you died. I still search for you online sometimes. But for a while, it was my morning ritual when I woke up. Apparently, the crimes I have committed are so egregious, I’m not even allowed to know if my children are alive. This shit breaks my heart.

Did you know that I didn’t even stop for red lights when I was rushing to the hospital when your mom went into labor with you? I remember exactly what time you were born.

Did you know that I remember your birthday party from 20 years ago? It’s true. It’s hard to believe so much time has gone by.

I do miss you. I think about you a lot.

I know you’ve decided to never talk to me again. You prefer that I die without ever seeing you again. That’s your decision. I hope it’s the right decision for you because you only have one chance to get it right. I want to see you again and maybe that’s just me being selfish. But I do worry that you’ll wake up one day and realize you’ve made a terrible mistake. And by then, it will be too late.

In any case, Happy Birthday kiddo.

Your birthday party in 2004

Your birthday party in 2004

Your birthday party in 2004

Your birthday party in 2004

Your birthday party in 2004

morey,alexandra,becker,percy,willodean,galjour,lynchburg,virginia,christopher,becker,hawaii,kauai,e.c.glass high school,24503

Sophia,

The first house your mother and I owned together was located at 2599 Waho Street in Koloa on the island of Kauai. Technically, it was in Koloa, but it was much closer to Poipu Beach. You could drive to the beach in just three or four minutes. We actually found out we were approved for the mortgage at our wedding ceremony (our mortgage broker was one of the guests).

We were living there when Morey was born. She had her own bedroom, even as an infant. I have a lot of good memories in that house. I have lots of photos and I would be happy to show you some day.

I just noticed that it sold last summer for 1.36 million dollars. Today, it’s worth about $100,000 more.

There are photos of it on Zillow. Here is the link. I think the owners did a great job of decorating the interior. I can immediately see the changes, but some things are still the same. When we were packing to move out of that house, I shot this video in the living room when your sister was first learning to walk.

Lots of memories of Kauai and your mom and your sister. I’d love to tell you all about it some day.

Dad

Sophia,

It’s your Nana Lee’s birthday today. You should call her.

Joe, Nana Lee, your mom, me, Maddie Dog, Pearl Dog, and Blythe Dog celebrate my birthday in the year 2000.

I’m good at remembering dates. I have always had a good memory. I remember the birthday of my first girlfriend in high school. I remember license plates of cars that I owned years ago. And old phone numbers. I remember your mother’s Social Security Number. I’m just good at remembering numbers. Anyway, I remember Nana Lee’s birthday. There’s no real reason; I just do.

I even know the TIME you were born. And your sister, too.

I hope you’re having a nice summer. But I watch the weather in Lynchburg and I know it’s hot and humid. I hope you’re staying cool somewhere.

Love,
Dad