My Oldest Daughter « The Budget of Paradox

Friday, July 26, 2024

My Oldest Daughter

To my oldest daughter,

Did you know that I used to Google your name to see if you were dead? It’s true. I am certain your mother would never tell me if you died. I still search for you online sometimes. But for a while, it was my morning ritual when I woke up. Apparently, the crimes I have committed are so egregious, I’m not even allowed to know if my children are alive. This shit breaks my heart.

Did you know that I didn’t even stop for red lights when I was rushing to the hospital when your mom went into labor with you? I remember exactly what time you were born.

Did you know that I remember your birthday party from 20 years ago? It’s true. It’s hard to believe so much time has gone by.

I do miss you. I think about you a lot.

I know you’ve decided to never talk to me again. You prefer that I die without ever seeing you again. That’s your decision. I hope it’s the right decision for you because you only have one chance to get it right. I want to see you again and maybe that’s just me being selfish. But I do worry that you’ll wake up one day and realize you’ve made a terrible mistake. And by then, it will be too late.

In any case, Happy Birthday kiddo.