The Budget of Paradox

To my oldest daughter,

Did you know that I used to Google your name to see if you were dead? It’s true. I am certain your mother would never tell me if you died. I still search for you online sometimes. But for a while, it was my morning ritual when I woke up. Apparently, the crimes I have committed are so egregious, I’m not even allowed to know if my children are alive. This shit breaks my heart.

Did you know that I didn’t even stop for red lights when I was rushing to the hospital when your mom went into labor with you? I remember exactly what time you were born.

Did you know that I remember your birthday party from 20 years ago? It’s true. It’s hard to believe so much time has gone by.

I do miss you. I think about you a lot.

I know you’ve decided to never talk to me again. You prefer that I die without ever seeing you again. That’s your decision. I hope it’s the right decision for you because you only have one chance to get it right. I want to see you again and maybe that’s just me being selfish. But I do worry that you’ll wake up one day and realize you’ve made a terrible mistake. And by then, it will be too late.

In any case, Happy Birthday kiddo.

Your birthday party in 2004

Your birthday party in 2004

Your birthday party in 2004

Your birthday party in 2004

Your birthday party in 2004

morey,alexandra,becker,percy,willodean,galjour,lynchburg,virginia,christopher,becker,hawaii,kauai,e.c.glass high school,24503