The Budget of Paradox

Sophia,
I follow Kimberly’s Instagram. It appears that she’s in Greece. Good for her. I hope she has a good time. A quick side story: I always liked Kimberly. She was always respectful and fair with me, even during the divorce. In fact, after my last court appearance at the Lynchburg courthouse, I went to some bar on Rivermont near Randolph College. Kimberly came with me. We had a few drinks and we talked for about an hour. Of course, her sister had just divorced me, so it wasn’t entirely comfortable. But she seemed genuinely sympathetic. Sadly, that was the last time I would ever talk to her.

Anyway, I know you’re in school and it’s not possible for you to be in Greece right now. But I’m in north Africa and we would be SO CLOSE. I can get to Istanbul in a few hours, and maybe even Athens in a few hours.

I get excited at the idea that you and Kimberly might travel together someday and we all could meet.

Kimberly speaks Spanish. I even suggested she bring you to Mexico City. It’s only five hours from Lynchburg. The world can be a small place.

When you see Kimberly, tell her I hope she had a nice time in Greece.

Dad

Sophia,
What do you want for your 16th birthday? I wish I knew you better. I have no idea what you like. I even Googled gift ideas for 16 year old girls and it all seems like shit; cell phone chargers and cheap jewelry and cheap makeup and stuffed animals. And everything is pink and “FABULOUS”. Oh, please.

One good thing I can say about your mom is that she has great taste. She inherited some of it from her mother, just as I assume you’ve inherited some good taste from your mother.

I tried to send you something classy for your last birthday. BTW, there was a hidden message in it. I had hoped to be able to explain it one day.

Maybe my tastes aren’t as sophisticated as your mom’s. But I know better than to send you cheap jewelry and pink shit.

More than anything, I’d love to treat you to a nice dinner, in person, in Paris or Mexico City. We can talk and learn and listen and maybe laugh.

Unrelated, sorta, but I was watching a movie called Burnt the other day. I like the scene where the chef makes a birthday cake for a little girl. Here is the scene. She calls him an “ogre” because he’s known to his employees to be loud and harsh and demanding in the kitchen.

I know you and your sister aren’t children anymore. But I haven’t seen you in ten years. Part of me will always see you this way.

Love,
Dad

Sophia,
Thinking of you today. I hope the new school year goes well. You’re taking French 2 but I wonder if you really enjoy it or not. I would love to meet up with you in Paris so you can practice. I never got to hear your sister play the cello. Maybe someday I can hear you speak French. I sent you some flowers; I hope you got them.
Dad

Sophia,
Here’s another song from your iPod. It’s Weinerschnitzel by The Descendants. It’s only 11 seconds long. It makes no sense. It’s pointless. But maybe that’s the point.

I bought an iPod for you two years ago and filled it with all kinds of music from my life. I look forward to the day I can give it to you.

Thinking of you,
Dad

To my oldest daughter,

Did you know that I used to Google your name to see if you were dead? It’s true. I am certain your mother would never tell me if you died. I still search for you online sometimes. But for a while, it was my morning ritual when I woke up. Apparently, the crimes I have committed are so egregious, I’m not even allowed to know if my children are alive. This shit breaks my heart.

Did you know that I didn’t even stop for red lights when I was rushing to the hospital when your mom went into labor with you? I remember exactly what time you were born.

Did you know that I remember your birthday party from 20 years ago? It’s true. It’s hard to believe so much time has gone by.

I do miss you. I think about you a lot.

I know you’ve decided to never talk to me again. You prefer that I die without ever seeing you again. That’s your decision. I hope it’s the right decision for you because you only have one chance to get it right. I want to see you again and maybe that’s just me being selfish. But I do worry that you’ll wake up one day and realize you’ve made a terrible mistake. And by then, it will be too late.

In any case, Happy Birthday kiddo.

Your birthday party in 2004

Your birthday party in 2004

Your birthday party in 2004

Your birthday party in 2004

Your birthday party in 2004

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