The Budget of Paradox

Sophia, apologies for the grim and depressing post. But it’s been on my mind. The world treats everyone like shit. But you’re old enough now to know (or sorta know) that the world treats teenage girls extra shitty sometimes. I try not to think about you or Morey getting sexually harassed, but I’m sure it happens. If I can be selfish for a minute, it kills me that I can’t be there to protect my girls. Dads protect their girls. It’s right there in the job description. But all you have are some angry lesbians looking out for you. Actually, I don’t know who looks out for you.

I’m not an expert on teenage girls or the problems they face. And I have no idea what your day-to-day life is really like. But I’ve been “around the block” a few times (as the saying goes). I know how humans operate. Well, most of them. I know bullshit when I see it. I’m sure if I were involved in your life, I’d recognize trouble if I saw it.

I want to protect you. The world is a fucked-up place and, I hate to say so, but sooner or later, some shitty things will happen to you. All I can ever hope to do is prepare you, and make you strong, and teach you how to trust your instincts. As a general principle, I prefer my kids to be strong, not safe. Being safeguarded all the time won’t prepare you for anything.

I daydream about what your life must be like. I’m pretty sure you either 1) don’t care about having a father (not yet, anyway); or 2) believe I’m some stranger who’s goofy or dangerous or irrelevant or possibly all three. But, like I said, I’ve been around the block. I’ve literally been all around the world. I’ve accomplished a lot of difficult things and witnessed with my own eyes wonderful beauty as well as some horrible fucked-up shit. I’m hardly the smartest man you’ll ever meet. But surely, I’ve picked-up bits of wisdom along the way. I wish I could impart some of it to you before I die. It shouldn’t all be for nothing. You shouldn’t have to learn everything in life the hard way.

Sophia: I thought of something tonight, and I should have told you this sooner.

I am very sorry that all you know, and all you remember, about your mother and father collectively is that they were always fighting. Believe it or not, there were happy times in my marriage. I can’t speak for your mother, but I know that I got married because I loved your mom, and I wanted to have children with her. We made a home; we made a family. I enjoyed being a Family Man. I enjoyed being a father and having all the privileges and responsibilities that come with fatherhood. There was a time that your mother and I worked together as a team to raise a family. I know that’s difficult for you to believe.

I know you were very young, but do you remember back in the spring of 2013, when I finally came back from Afghanistan for the last time? I would visit Lynchburg and we would all (you, your sister, your mother and me) go to Market on Main for breakfast. All of us, together, like a family. I enjoyed that. I miss that. You were little, but I am sure you liked it, too.

I’m sure you’re sick of me blaming the lawyers for everything. But before they got involved, I was doing just fine. I was a father, and I provided for my children. I knew what was best for them. I didn’t need guidance from anyone. What is equally frustrating and amusing is that the lawyers operate according to what they think is in the “best interests of the children”. Think about that: a bunch of retarded STRANGERS, hustling to make money, with the audacity to think they know better than me what’s best for my own children.

Believe me, there were happy times. You should have been a part of it. I’m sorry, kid. I really am. During the divorce, your mother used to say that my “mask was slipping”. I still have no idea what that means. I always wanted to be a Family Man. I still do, but that ship has sailed for me. It’s too late to start over. I always wanted to be your dad.

Happier times in Lynchburg; here you are having breakfast with your mom and dad and sister.

Happier times.

Your mom and dad after Morey was born.

Happier times in Hawaii. Here I am with your mom on the floor of my new house. I hadn't even yet bought furniture so we sat on the floor.

Happier times in Lynchburg in 2001.

Happier times in Hawaii, in Waikoloa on the Big Island.

Happier times in Lynchburg in 2001.

Hello, if you’ve arrived at this page because you Googled Genevieve Whittemore of Lynchburg, this is a warning for you. She ‘treated’ my oldest daughter for several years. My daughter got worse, not better, and even ended up hospitalized for depression and suicidal thoughts.

When I knew Genevieve, she was practicing in her kitchen at her home. She only accepted cash. Her ‘treatments’ were not recognized by any national medical association. I was assured that she was ‘certified’. But certified in what, exactly? Neurofeedback isn’t a real medical science, not the way she does it. In fact, I sometimes wondered if what she was doing qualified as practicing medicine without a license. At the time, the only license she had was an expired social worker’s license.

Later, at my divorce, my lawyer subpoenaed Genevieve Whittemore to testify about the treatments she gives. Genevieve got her own lawyer and fought to have the subpoena quashed. So much for transparency and openness! I guess she has something to hide.

Be careful.

Contact me if you have any questions.
http://black.blue/contact

This is interesting and I ask that you spend just a couple of minutes looking at it. In Ohio right now, lawmakers are considering passing a bill called HB 14 that presumes each parent should have 50% custody of the children in a divorce.

Compare this to Virginia, where a custody dispute ends with one winner and one loser. And to fight for custody, you need to spend all of your money on lawyers. I’m sure Nana Lee paid for your mom’s lawyer. After all, your mom was unemployed at the time and had a very expensive lawyer. I didn’t want full custody of you and Morey, just shared. I’m one of those people who think parents have a God-given, natural, and Constitutional right to enjoy the company of their own children and help direct their upbringing. But in the end, I didn’t have as much money as Nana Lee. So, your mother got to be the ‘winner’.

Someone even pointed out that it’s harder to get a nuisance barking dog removed from a neighborhood than it is to remove a father from a child’s life.

Here is a quick video about the proposed law in Ohio. It’s only five minutes. Please watch. I want you to see I’m not alone in my complaints, and I’m not crazy for being upset over my situation.

https://youtu.be/pLvcptWwvb0?t=86 (starting at 1:26)

Sophia: I love you. I miss you. I am deeply sorry that you grew up without me around. You deserved to have a dad.

I can easily explain why I was gone before you turned five years old. But after that? It’s a long story. I hope you let me explain it to you someday. But I was never gone because I didn’t care.

I think about you all the time.